Me: Heroic and wonderful
Her: Not so much a damsel in distress
Me: $COMPANY, this is mouser how can I help you?
Her: My computer is telling me funny things!
(Fine, it's going to be a "fishing" expedition...)
Me: What exactly is it saying?
(Why do I BOTHER to ask for "exactly" anyway? None of them EVER read the messages...)
Her: Something about spyware...
Me: Okay, I'm going to remote into your computer now and take a look. Please don't touch anything while I check the problem.
(remote in - observe the mouse moving around)
Me: Please flip the mouse over on it's back.
(Oddly, this amuses most of my users and they do it.)
Me: Okay, I see you've caught something. Your computer is mine for the next few hours while I clean it.
Her: But all my work is on this one!
(checks - no actual files, and every one of the machines have the same software.)
Me: You'll have to use a different computer while I fix this.
(Beats it with a stick until I (1) get the cleaners installed (2) runs them for two hours cleaning up the crap.)
Me: Okay it should be fine now. Call IMMEDIATELY if there are any problems!
Her: KayThanxsBye *click*
(I didn't disconnect the session immediately.)
Her: (clicks open the internet, goes right to a dodgey site, reinstalls the spyware)
Yes, while I watch and faster then I can stop her.
Yes, I'm going to get drunk and play miniature golf with my girlfriend.